What Its Really Like To Be An Introvert

According to Merriam-Webster :  introvert
  a reserved or shy person who enjoys spending time alone

Hi, my name is Kristle and I’m an introvert. This this is probably one of the most important blogs I’ve ever written.

What’s that? It’s a person that prefers to be more reserved, kind of to herself. Oh, I’m sure you know someone like me, someone that probably doesn’t talk much at parties, someone that maybe needs confirmation of future plans repeatedly or maybe even cancel at the last minute? Yeah, that’s familiar , repeatedly confirming if the plans are still going to go through or not, I just like to make sure so I’m prepared. And yes , i do have a history of anxiety. So doesn’t help.

I’m not going to say I don’t know why I’m writing this blog, because I do. I’m writing this blog because I feel like I want to put this out there, that there are people like me. Someone who doesn’t really want to be around others all the time. Someone that becomes exhausted physically and emotionally through simple conversation. I won’t say that I’m shy, but I’m definitely reserved. I’m not exactly the type to be spontaneous either, I need time to think things through.

If I’m at a restaurant, and I order a specific drink. When I receive it, I’m not satisfied, I’m not that person to quickly detest and complain about the drink. Sometimes I might just take it and deal with it to avoid confrontation or social fuss or interaction. That might make me seem passive,  but please do not be fooled, catch me on the wrong day and you will feel my wrath!

Sometimes I am randomly invited out the same night, when I’m already tired from earlier in the day. What do I wear? Am I bloated today? Do I feel like being surrounded by people? Will there will be or not be food? I don’t know. I’m not doing it. I’m good thanks. Anticipation is little more severe for introverts, it actually causes anxiety and a little tiny piece of dread sometimes. I’m sure everyone can relate to this, I personally do not like pop ups. Not only because I don’t like to be interrupted in my daily life, but also what if I’m just not up to entertaining anyone? The idea of having to sit there and do small talk while I know that I have three loads of laundry and have to figure out what’s for dinner and also have to run errands for my family members is on my mind. Sometimes, I’m actually looking forward to a nap or bedtime.

Even though I’m mostly surrounded by people that I know and love, sometimes I need to get away and be on my own. Even if it’s just in the next room, I can recharge there. I’m obsessed with sound apps, I like the ones that have white noise, falling rain, ocean sounds, things like that. They definitely  help. I can escape to a world that’s filled with peace and Tranquility. Almost like a meditation state, very Zen. I usually like the room with all light (natural light only) and tv off, the fan is great for white noise which immediately relaxes me. Its like, breathe. I really, really like naps, even though my spouse thinks its depression. Its not mostly.

A couple weeks ago, my spouse and I went to a small New Year’s Eve Gathering. To me, it wasn’t all that small. The host said it was between 10 to 15 people it was more like 20 to 27 people. That’s not necessarily a problem for me if I’m not required to socialize. It seems pretty natural for us, eventually as the party got bigger and bigger, we ventured away from the crowd playing beer pong. We found this beautiful little Nook in the living room next to the fireplace. This is where we enjoyed quality time๐Ÿ’•๐Ÿ’•โ˜บ๏ธ, snacks and drinks together. The host would periodically come up to us and be like, “y’all okay?” “Yeah we’re good :-), great shindig.”

By half of the night I was a little tired of people trying to get me to mingle with others. I introduced myself to the majority and had bits of small talk but, instantly felt absolutely no connection with anyone. Eventually I ended up back by the fireplace next to my spouse. I had my hey- it’s- New- Year’s- Eve, let’s- dance – outfit on. While the other women were fully dressed and I’m provocative. The reason that matters is because, it’s one of the things that I pay attention to. I’m not the type of person that likes attention, and that night, attention is all that I brought! I begin to worry about them talking about me good or bad.

Just the thought of it makes me upset and uncomfortable. I just received a compliment๐Ÿ˜. was it genuine?๐Ÿ‘€ Yo, what if I look pregnant in this skirt? Is red really my color? Do I look foolish? I really hope that pothole didn’t mess up the tires , we just bought those. is my skirt too short? Why I am I only one showing off her cleavage? is that considered slutty? Do I look like a slut even though I’m married and with my babe? Why should that even matter? Am I going to be the only one to grab a plate? am I making my wife look bad? Are the dudes looking at me or at my boobs? I hate being the only fat chick in the bunch! I probably shouldn’t have worn this, I should have gone with the sparkly black sweater๐Ÿ™„. I don’t even know why I agreed to come here, we don’t know anyone. Sighs…. ๐Ÿคฆ๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ

I don’t know, I guess I’m weird. I don’t like attention brought to myself, but at the same time if there is some good music on, I’m not too shy to get up and dance. Oh yeah, there was no dancing. Like, no dancing at all. I mean, some people did your usual Shuffle with the drink to the music but the Dance Floor was non-existent!. I found myself just observing others and observing social interactions. Your obviously single tall guy keeps going from corner to corner around the house almost trying to mesh into the crowd. It doesn’t work for him, pretty sad. Then there’s your co-co host that’s not official but acts like it, continuously asking people if they need anything and if they’re good. I noticed some people were starting to get annoyed. Then there’s your hey- I’m- single, girl being social as possible with seems to be every girl’s boyfriend in the house. I can go on but you get the drift.

Right around the countdown, my spouse and I decided to go ahead and leave. I could not tell you how happy I was โœจ! the idea of getting back into our car and riding home under Starlight listening to some smooth jazz was utter Bliss for meโœจโœจ๐Ÿ’•! A couple hours after more celebrating, my spouse fell asleep and I was alone with my thoughts. Wow, recharging went so far as to be falling asleep in the living room. The peace was so comforting. No one asking me why I’m so quiet, no one asking me if I have have always been the shy guy, no small talk no nothing.

Sorry about the whole party thing, I just thought it would be a great example of what it’s like to live as an introvert. I digress, being an introvert is not necessarily a bad thing, I feel as though us as people can be a very good friend because of the Loyalty that comes with it. As a reserved soul, I do not require several people around me to call friends. Friendship to me is very important because I don’t share it with many. So the friends that I do have I value so so much.

I have anxiety tics, such as picking at my face or exaggerated cleaning. I won’t say that I am depressed, depression sometimes does go hand-in-hand with being an introvert, but that’s not always the case. For most of my life I’ve been an introvert, and during periods that I wasn’t depressed, I will still reserved. I was reserved but I was so happy and content with my life. There are some days where I just don’t have much to say, I really wish people would understand and not take offense to it. While some feel lonely by themselves, im the opposite. I try to meet people halfway, if they want to chill and interact, I will do so but I want people to understand when I want to leave earlier than anyone else. I don’t want them to look at me weird or feel rejection. If we’re spending time together and I don’t have much to say. I don’t want them to be offended, I don’t want them to think that they’re not interesting, I just simply don’t have much to say. Doesn’t mean that I’m not enjoying the company.

Just because I’m quiet ๐Ÿคซ , does not mean that I am self-absorbed, it just means that in order for me to feel okay and alive. I need to charge like a phone. Even though I may spend a long period of time thinking about you doesn’t mean that I’m going to reach out, I could miss you and not say so๐Ÿคท๐Ÿพโ€โ™€๏ธ. Eventually some friends just  fall away like leaves during autumn.  People probably think I’m not interested anymore, yet I am.  I try to let them know that I’m still here, but it doesn’t work .  I know that I’m a difficult person,  I want people to be loyal to me , yet I want them to understand when I don’t contact them as much. I feel bad when i feel like im neglecting my loved ones.

One last great example, I haven’t written a Blog since I think December 3rd of last year,  during all this time I have been avoiding my laptop on purpose because of the anxiety attached to it.  The nervousness about not having  a “good enough” topic makes me a bit uncomfortable.  So I avoid it altogether. Sometimes the thought of going into a crowded store makes me uneasy and I avoid it. I do this with several other things in my life sadly. Yeah, think of it as your cell phone that you have in your hand probably right now. While it’s at 99%, everything’s good you go from app to app check the time whenever you like. Everything is good. But what do you do when it’s at 15%? You plan ahead to charge it right? It needs charged or your battery is going to overheat or die. Think of me and others like me like that.

Hi, my name is Kristle and I am an introvert. This was probably one of the most important blogs I have ever written.

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